Darkness Is Back

I met up with some old friend over last weekend. While I love them to bits and I miss them, they inadvertently make me feel like a tremendous loser.

4 friends and multiple kids, 2 more are with child, they’ve been on holidays everywhere and seem happy where they are.

Here I am, struggling financially due to IVF costs, and I can’t afford to take my wife anywhere meaningful. I can’t even go somewhere nice to eat regularly without it cutting into me secretly. I hate my job and I’m severely underpaid.

I really, really don’t know, if like the saying goes, “it shall pass” because it doesn’t feel like it at all. I’m getting myself dragged deeper into depression and the last time I tried to talk about it to Emily, it didn’t end too well. 

Now I’m depressed and also lonely.

To Reminisce

There are days I miss my old Salsa friends, ones that I've made over a decade of dancing.

I don't tell anyone because I have no one to talk to these days, but I get overwhelmed with a crippling sensation of loneliness.

It's not all doom and gloom, don't get me wrong. I've reconnected to some old acquaintances, made new friends out of folks I never did before, created and maintained my own mini Salsa community, among others. In fact the other day, I just performed with some of them.

So yeah, this isn't a 'Lost Cause' post. Just a mental note, that despite my really busy schedule and all the craziness going on, I get these pangs of loneliness and isolation. I usually keep it to myself because I don't really know how to talk to people about this - moreso Emily. I bury it deep down, and do something else to pass the time.

Week of Madness

This has been one fucking crazy week.

For starters – I need to finalize up to 2 major tenancy agreement and 1 killer SPA within this week. Next, I have a host of new projects that are moving (at their respective pace) and I’m doing the ground work. Finally, the cream on top of this silly cake is that we agreed to take on a paid Salsa performance.

Yes, that’s what you heard. A paid Salsa performance.

Money there is really good, and I’ve always dreamt of starting an inclusive dance company. We have always received calls for performances and we’ve always turned it down for various reasons (read: excuses). But over the years we’ve met some decent folks who we can work with. So when the opportunity came up again, with us as free agents, why the fuck not?

Problem is: The event company finalized the details late. Plus other complications, we only started working on it last week Thursday. Performance is this week, Friday. As of last night (Wed) I think we nailed the entire choreo (by yours Truly, can ya believe it?). Tonight (Thurs) is the Final Practice, probably with costume as well. Tomorrow is D-Day. You can say, the first of many, the kickstarter to the Project I’ve only ever dreamed about.

No one is reading this, but send me your love and best wishes anyway.