Pain Leads to the Dark Side (contd)

I’m furious. At who and what, I am unsure. God, myself, Emily... I have no idea. I’m processing this anger in the worse way possible. I’m burying it deep down inside, hoping to never bring it up again.

I’m frustrated. We’ve tried so hard, spent so much, given so much time. All for fucking naught. I’ve been stifling the urge to scream several times today. To just throw my head back and scream till I go hoarse.

I’m sad. Emily’s sad and dejected. I’m sad because we have one less chance to make a dream come true. I’m sad because somehow we failed. Miserably failed.

Writing this is therapeutic enough, but I want to talk to someone so badly. I’ve got no one. Emily has me to be concerned about her, despite claiming that she doesn’t need one. But me, I’m all fucking alone. I’m usually fine with that but my thoughts are bringing me to dark places.

I need help.

Pain Leads to the Dark Side

Emily shared an article with me, which was entitled “My Failed IVF Cycle Felt Like a Pregnancy Loss”. She’s been reading a whole lot on the topic since yesterday, when we received the unfortunate news. It goes without saying that the past 12+ hours is a painful cocktail of emotions for the both of us, which is the true purpose of me, writing this.

I won’t even try to justify any of my views here as it comes from a very deep and dark place, not some politically correct news editing room.

As expected, Emily is sad at the outcome. Dr. Surinder appeared perplexed. We did everything right, and we also took additional precautions on top of that. On paper we were in the best of conditions, save a slightly thinner lining than preferred (6.6mm vs 7.0mm). We don’t understand where we failed. The Good Doctor suggested perhaps there was something wrong with the fertilized egg, and hence the body naturally rejects it. If this was the case, then maybe we should be thankful.

In any case, I’ve been made to understand that even in the best of cases, pregnancy chances are about 70% - 80%. High enough, but as some say in tabletop war gaming: “All rolls fail on 1”.