Second Try Not Successful

So, yesterday we just got the results of Emily’s blood test back, and it’s official. IVF attempt #2 was not successful.

The feelings are somewhat similar but yet somewhat different. There was much more bitterness for the first failure but this time round, I don’t have bitterness, only a whole lot of sadness.

Dr. Surinder (who has been an Angel throughout this process) comforted Emily by explaining the 3 Stages of the Grief Reaction (which is similar to losing a loved one). Stage 1: Initial shock from the news; Stage 2: Blame and justification for said event; Stage 3: Acceptance of event and sadness. We’ll need to get past it in whatever way we can, however long it takes, and move forward.

There is however, an unspoken aspect of this entire process – my part in all this. I have financed the whole thing, I have supported Emily and I sacrificed my time and more money, and what I’ve gotten in return is abuse from a wife with a neuro-chemically altered state of mind. She’s the holy vessel, yes. But for the love of fucking God don’t downplay the role of the Partner/Husband in this.

When the dust settles, am I not as sad? The only difference is that I cannot allow myself to wallow because bills need to be paid. I need to move the fuck on. But I get no comfort. I get no hugs. I get no words of encouragement.

None at all. I’m literally all alone. The silence is fucking deafening.

Darkness Is Back

I met up with some old friend over last weekend. While I love them to bits and I miss them, they inadvertently make me feel like a tremendous loser.

4 friends and multiple kids, 2 more are with child, they’ve been on holidays everywhere and seem happy where they are.

Here I am, struggling financially due to IVF costs, and I can’t afford to take my wife anywhere meaningful. I can’t even go somewhere nice to eat regularly without it cutting into me secretly. I hate my job and I’m severely underpaid.

I really, really don’t know, if like the saying goes, “it shall pass” because it doesn’t feel like it at all. I’m getting myself dragged deeper into depression and the last time I tried to talk about it to Emily, it didn’t end too well. 

Now I’m depressed and also lonely.

To Reminisce

There are days I miss my old Salsa friends, ones that I've made over a decade of dancing.

I don't tell anyone because I have no one to talk to these days, but I get overwhelmed with a crippling sensation of loneliness.

It's not all doom and gloom, don't get me wrong. I've reconnected to some old acquaintances, made new friends out of folks I never did before, created and maintained my own mini Salsa community, among others. In fact the other day, I just performed with some of them.

So yeah, this isn't a 'Lost Cause' post. Just a mental note, that despite my really busy schedule and all the craziness going on, I get these pangs of loneliness and isolation. I usually keep it to myself because I don't really know how to talk to people about this - moreso Emily. I bury it deep down, and do something else to pass the time.

Week of Madness

This has been one fucking crazy week.

For starters – I need to finalize up to 2 major tenancy agreement and 1 killer SPA within this week. Next, I have a host of new projects that are moving (at their respective pace) and I’m doing the ground work. Finally, the cream on top of this silly cake is that we agreed to take on a paid Salsa performance.

Yes, that’s what you heard. A paid Salsa performance.

Money there is really good, and I’ve always dreamt of starting an inclusive dance company. We have always received calls for performances and we’ve always turned it down for various reasons (read: excuses). But over the years we’ve met some decent folks who we can work with. So when the opportunity came up again, with us as free agents, why the fuck not?

Problem is: The event company finalized the details late. Plus other complications, we only started working on it last week Thursday. Performance is this week, Friday. As of last night (Wed) I think we nailed the entire choreo (by yours Truly, can ya believe it?). Tonight (Thurs) is the Final Practice, probably with costume as well. Tomorrow is D-Day. You can say, the first of many, the kickstarter to the Project I’ve only ever dreamed about.

No one is reading this, but send me your love and best wishes anyway.

Clinical Depression

You know what's disturbing for me? Reading up on suicide cases. I can't ever imagine what goes on in the heads of victims.

The only certain thing, the only undeniable fact, is that depression is a very real thing. It comes is many different forms but all forms ultimately serve one singular purpose - to break you down and destroy you.

My lonely emotional roller-coaster is at times overwhelming. From our failure to conceive, to the grueling medical processes that follows, to the costs involved, to the failure that followed and the anxiety of the next attempt.

I drown myself in work and hobby, and it helps. It really does.

Currently, I'm super skint. Broke. Not as bad as I was in the years past (with much worse financial management) but I'm struggling due to excessive overheads. IVF is fucking expensive, make no mistake about that. Thank God its already halfway through October. I'm trying to see out 2019 without going under.

It's not all doom & gloom but I'm screaming inside sometimes. Is it all worth it?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Pain Leads to the Dark Side (contd)

I’m furious. At who and what, I am unsure. God, myself, Emily... I have no idea. I’m processing this anger in the worse way possible. I’m burying it deep down inside, hoping to never bring it up again.

I’m frustrated. We’ve tried so hard, spent so much, given so much time. All for fucking naught. I’ve been stifling the urge to scream several times today. To just throw my head back and scream till I go hoarse.

I’m sad. Emily’s sad and dejected. I’m sad because we have one less chance to make a dream come true. I’m sad because somehow we failed. Miserably failed.

Writing this is therapeutic enough, but I want to talk to someone so badly. I’ve got no one. Emily has me to be concerned about her, despite claiming that she doesn’t need one. But me, I’m all fucking alone. I’m usually fine with that but my thoughts are bringing me to dark places.

I need help.

Pain Leads to the Dark Side

Emily shared an article with me, which was entitled “My Failed IVF Cycle Felt Like a Pregnancy Loss”. She’s been reading a whole lot on the topic since yesterday, when we received the unfortunate news. It goes without saying that the past 12+ hours is a painful cocktail of emotions for the both of us, which is the true purpose of me, writing this.

I won’t even try to justify any of my views here as it comes from a very deep and dark place, not some politically correct news editing room.

As expected, Emily is sad at the outcome. Dr. Surinder appeared perplexed. We did everything right, and we also took additional precautions on top of that. On paper we were in the best of conditions, save a slightly thinner lining than preferred (6.6mm vs 7.0mm). We don’t understand where we failed. The Good Doctor suggested perhaps there was something wrong with the fertilized egg, and hence the body naturally rejects it. If this was the case, then maybe we should be thankful.

In any case, I’ve been made to understand that even in the best of cases, pregnancy chances are about 70% - 80%. High enough, but as some say in tabletop war gaming: “All rolls fail on 1”.

                            

Rock Bottom, Coming Right Up

I don't know how to get myself out of this mess.

The longer this is taking, the worse I am feeling. Car repairs and car insurance payments have sucked me clean and dry. I'm not at rock bottom yet, but I can see it taunting me, not too far off.

I'm doing so many things wrong these days. I don't even know where to begin. I'm clearly not as good as I thought I was. I trusted someone I shouldn't have, and now I'm paying the price. Expensive price at that too.

I'm getting so desperate now. I have this terrible feeling that all things good in life has deserted me. I'm writing this post in the faint hope that putting it out may have a calming effect on me. I'm all out of ideas and inspiration. I feel like crying but something in me doesn't give up that easily. I don't know how long I can hold up.

Down in the Dumps

I've stopped updating this post since 2011, but even that is overstating. I probably stopped earlier than this.

I'm writing again after so long because I hope that by expressing myself with my written musings, this may, in whatever small way, be therapeutic for me in these trying times. It's helpful to know also that no one will be reading this post or this blog. No one has been doing so for years I believe. Time to clear off some cobwebs.

I'm clinically depressed. A wreck. A mess. It's only been about 2 weeks but I feel like exploding. It's not going right at all. It's like you want to cry, but Generic Male Standards of Behavior dictates otherwise. So instead of bawling like a sissy boy, I instead look out to immerse myself in emotional circumstances, such as, sad movies, getting angry at random things and heartwarming short videos on YouTube. Today, I was a Nando's, Paradigm Mall, with a couple of friends. We ordered, the drinks came soon enough. We waited for the food. Didn't come. I was calm. Eventually we shook the awkwardness of asking the pretty waitress with strange ear-piercings about our dinner, and another waiter, what appears to be a Hobbit of some sort, responded by giving us the wrong order. I questioned Frodo about the order and he immediately checked the order in some computer terminal just next to our table. Frodo then confirmed our order, which was apparently wrong from the beginning.

That's when I flipped.

I repeated my order firmly once, and then twice. He seemed more confused than trying to calm down an irate customer. I stormed out of there, refusing to pay for anything. On a separate note, Pasta Zanmai in Paradigm has excellent service.

The evening didn't end all that badly. However, this emotional outburst is merely the tip of a terrible iceberg. I've been cooping up this feeling of inadequacy for a while now. My morale is at an all time low. I know some people around me are trying the bestest to cheer me up. It's not working, through no fault of theirs.

To make matters worse, I am ashamed of expressing my true feelings in all this. I'm ashamed that my friends and close loved ones may think any less of me. Objectively I know they probably won't think so, but you try telling THAT to my sub-conscious self.

I may not kill myself as that would be over-dramatizing what some people may call a trivial situation. But I also can't speak to my closest friends as, I am, as mentioned above, ashamed. I feel trapped. Unlike Admiral Akbar, I did not see this coming. I'm not sure how I'm getting out of this one.

Picture Only

Appreciation

Appreciation.

I find this a most strange word - so often the cause of much resentment, animosity and uncertainty, even though the word itself connotes a positive reaction towards a positive action.

In my personal experience, I’ve so often felt under-appreciated. Whether by a loved one, a lover, a friend or a boss. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been in severe arguments as a result of this issue. The frequency of this matter arising has also led me to question my own disposition. I can safely surmise that the feeling of lack of appreciation may be the result of:-

a) My own incompetence or inability to do anything worth appreciation; OR

b) My consistent contact with individuals who lack appreciation for anything in general. 

Sometimes I wish to believe that I am right. Moreso when engaged in heated argument. I tend to get defensive, as virtually all of us do, and that does not help me at all.

Sometimes, I stop to think – maybe the other person has some point in all this, and I am in fact, merely blowing my own horn (so to speak), and unjustifiably so at that.

Answers? I wish I had them. Res ipsa loquitor then. Let the facts speak for themselves.

The Green Green Grass Of Home

Dear Diary,

The state of my employment is relatively shite. However, more than just the issue of job security and salary, another obstacle obstructs my path to a different future: I am very, very aware that I have many freedoms in this job. More so that it has made me terribly lazy. Nevertheless, I stay on because this freedom has allowed me to pursue my dreams of dancing, photography and traveling, among others.

The million-dollar question now is: Do I continue staying? No, I’m not talking about staying here for the next 20 years. I’m talking about resigning almost immediately, as opposed to resigning at the end of the year.

Quoting the legendary (at the time, but now more than slightly coockoo) Axel Rose of Guns 'N Roses in their iconic hard-rock tune - "Where do we go? Where do we go now?"

I'm still trying to figure out where this is all going, with not too much success I admit. Is this a sign that I can't handle things of this manner?

Should I stay on when my boss has agreed to grant me that promotion WITHOUT any increase in salary (not even a 2-figure increase)?

I think I'm going to have to start praying again.

Amen.

More Proof that Proton is Evil

This is further proof that our National Car Maker is secretly an evil entity bent on natiowide domination and exploitation.

WTF is wrong with my background?

On a totally different note, I just reailsed that the background of this blog happens to look like a cross between tie-dyed sheets and blood and semen (Metallica anyone?).

On another different note, posted in this blog which no one reads, I just completed shooting Ruben & Yvonne's Wedding Day, both Morning and Night session. Holy crap, you wouldn't believe how much work is involved here. Worse thing is (not really 'worse', just tiring I guess) that I REALLY REALLY need to sort all this shit out before WEDNESDAY - meaning tomorrow. Cos tomorrow night will be another adventure - Thaipusam! More on that soon!

Note: I'm totally done with all the morning's pictures and now I only need to edit the night ones. If my technique is up to scratch, the night pics should not take so long to edit, since dinner photos don't require much drama, only that everyone (especially the hens... eh, I meant women) appears clear and pretty (regardless...). I hope to complete all that BY TONIGHT. Jesus. But I'm pretty happy with how it all turned out anyways. Great photos - one of my better sets definitely.

Next up: Thaipusam delights! Another all nighter, another crazy day. Oh, and lets not forget that a dear friend, Raj Stevens hired me to shoot his event on Saturday, 22nd January 2011 at the Bukit Jalil Golf and Country Club. I'd promote his event through my blog but unfortunately, no one reads my blog :-(

Last but not least, the cherry on top, Havana Estudio's legendary monthly studio party for January 2011, the very first one of YEAR 2011. For those of you who do not know it, do support us you losers! 

PS: Serious shit - the Thaipusam set is going to be awesome. As awesome as me, probably more awesome. Try not to miss it when it comes out!

Happy New Year 2011: Out with the old, in with the new...

Cheers to all and goodwill to men (and women).

Another year dawns and this blog is still under-maintained. It's no problem really because no one actually reads it. It is however, a great outlet for me to VENT and RANT, something which I have become very very adept at doing. I focus more on my photoblog these day (of which is particularly well maintained  must say).

That being said, this (first) blog of mine has a more personal feel to it. I has so far allowed me to speak my mind without being worried that it may give others a nasty opinion of Yours Truly.

So what's new in 2011?

I'm not sure about the rest of the months, but January appears to have a fairly exciting schedule.

1. There was a book launching by the Peranakan Association on the 8th (which I missed due to work committments). I was actually supposed to sing 2 traditional peranakan songs with a singing troupe but I missed that as well. :-(  I was also told that there was some Kebaya modeling going on that afternoon, which my camera ultimately missed;

2. Ruben and Yvonne's wedding on the 15th. I've been asked by Ruben to shoot the games and the ceremony in the morning. No news yet if 'll be shooting the dinner itself. Some people feel paiseh to ask a guest to shoot their wedding. Or they might already have a pro on-site. We'll see how this cookie crumbles.

3. A Thaipusam special (by me!) on the 19th/20th. I'll be going with Calvin (hereinafter referred to as "Fatty") and Malini. Mals will be participating with her brothers and Fatty and I just want to experience the whole thingamajig. I'm going for the Pulitzer with this one... stay tuned to my photoblog for more!;

4. A good buddy of mine, Raj Steven hired me to shoot his fitness event on the 22nd, titled UNLEASHED 2011. Its a whole day event to be held at Stadium Bukit Jalil whereby numerous well-known fitness and health instructors are invited to give workshops and talks on our geenral well-being. If you're reading this, come on over that morning to give us support!; and

5. Of course we can't forget the Havana Estudio Monthly Social for January. Traditionally held on the last Saturday of the month, this one is effectively on the 29th.

And this is just for January 2011. As mentioned in my photoblog as well, this looks like its going to be a good year.

October Madness - Will It Ever End? I Hope Not...

This is simply madness in its purest form. The weekend of 23rd and 24th October 2010 drained me like no other weekend. As fun as it appeared to be, I sincerely hope I will not be repeating anything similar anytime soon.

22nd October 2010: After work, I rush back home to fetch my luggage, of which I half-packed the night before. By 8.00 p.m. I am ready to leave for the island state of PENANG. After some complications, I finally leave at about 10.00 bloody p.m. On the way, due to extreme tiredness, I end up making 2 stops in quick succession - to sleep. I finally reach Penang at about 3 a.m., waking my uncle (with whom I was staying with) in the process. Thank you so much Uncle Joo Chye. Salut.

23rd October 2010: First thing in the morning, it's off to B&F's (more like F's parent's house in Penang) for the Persian version of the Chinese tea ceremony. This remarkable ceremony invoved a symbolic tree planting as well as individual blessings from various family members. Was absolutely glad to be there to shoot the whole thing. Lovely people, lovely family, and lovely pictures. Lovely food too although I did not eat much. Can you believe that at 11 a.m. by Godma calls me and asks me where I am? Apparently my Godsis (not the Catholic version) was getting married (tea ceremony Saturday morning and dinner at night) and I was only told about it by me mum a few days earlier. And I did not know that they did not have an OFFICIAL PHOTOGRAPHER. Thus they were relying on me. Sucks.

At night, we confirmed the absence of a photographer. They had a videographer but IMHO, If I had to choose between the 2, I'd go for a photog. So I took the opportunity to pull out my Weapon of Choice and went trigger happy. Oh, and I wish you could check out the Boney M sung by a leggy chinese singer. Nice legs indeed, but you can keep the rest.

24th October 2010: The craziness truly begins NOW. I'm at Parkroyal Hotel by about 5.30 p.m. to prepare my equipment. They're were going to have a Parsi Zoroastrian blessing ceremony (sorry if got that one wrong) before the actual dinner. Amazing stuff! They even handed down little flyers explaining the whole process and what it means. I hope my pictures can tell the story adequately. 

I'm not a fan of hotel food by any measure, but dinner was very good, Excellent service and delicious food. Both the relatives of B and F clans were absolutely lovely that evening, the small hall filled with laughter and other joyous sounds.

I left dinner early, just before the wedded couple had their first dance together as husband & wife. Mind you, 'early' happened to be about 11.30 p.m. I went back to my uncle's house to quickly pick up my things, and hastily bid him goodbye.

25th October 2010: I hit the highway at about past 12 a.m. Instant nightmare! I quickly realised that I was getting drowsy fast. Worse still, there was no Rest Stop in sight. I finally found a stop and took me a 1 hour nap. When I started driving again, in about half and hour, I stopped yet again for a one half hour nap. Only then did I feel fit enough to continue driving. The problem is, it was already past 4 a.m. I finally got back at about 6 a.m. Took a clarinase pill and slept for exactly 1 hour before I got up to change and head to work.

Dear Lord...

Holy Cow! What A Weekend!

Gotta catch my breath.

Started with a Raya Open House shoot on Friday night in Cyberjaya for these 2 charming sisters.

Then on Saturday night, I was hired to shoot a classy birthday celebration for one heck of a great dude.

On Sunday morning, woke up bright and early to shoot Ruben & Yvonne / K.C. & Anna's wedding registration.

Back to work. I have to edit about 1,500 photos in the next few days.

More on these shoots later.

... A Few Surprises On The Way

Photoshoot Assignments

I took leave yesterday (Thursday, 7th October 2010) so I could sort out the registration / name changing of my 3-month old Sentra. I was initially informed that the queue was not long in the afternoon so the whole process may take only about 3 hours. I was finished in 20 MINUTES. I was in at 12 pm and out by 12.20 pm. Outstanding, PUPAKOM Wangsa Maju.

Having too much time on my hands (Par finished work at 4.00 pm @ MATIC), I didn't want to go home, so I stopped by Batu Caves to take photos. Fancy that. I quite like how the shots turned out and will be posting them in http://dominiquekeephotography.blogspot.com soon.

In the midst of all that driving up and down the MRR2, I got 2 separate phone calls in response to an internet advertisment I put up in Mudah.com.my, offering my services as a budget photographer. I accepted both although it was on rather short notice.

One is this evening - a regular Raya Open House in Cyberjaya. Garden, open-air concept, with awnings and artificial light. From about 8 pm to 11 pm. This will be slightly challenging and I am grateful for the china-made softbox.

The other is a private function at KL Hilton. This dude has a family dinner there, followed by over-nighter with friends at the Lifestyle Suite. Should be interesting, this one...

Whats New This Week?

Hatem Horror!

Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Manchester City F.C. has got Robert Mancini as manager, Saudi aristocrat money behind them, but shite for brains. Kudos to the well-taken stunner by Newcastle homeboy, Adam Johnson for the win, but we have got to take some time to crucify that barmy cunt Nigel de Jong. As of 3rd October 2010 the score is de Jong 3 - The Civilized Footie World 0. Just ask Stuart Holden, Xabi Alonso and Hatem Ben Arfa. The only person appearing to do anything about this thuggery is Dutch National Coach Bert van Marwijk who apparently dropped that karate-kicking monkey for an unspecified period. Good on you Bert!

Latest: NUFC apparently sent out a 'strongly-worded letter' to the FA regarding de Jong's barbarism and Martin Atkinson's confusing display of what appears to be referee duties. More to come on this.

Oh, and we lost 1-2 away to City. A bloody disappointing loss which leaves us in 15th place after 7 games played. Felt worse after Blackpool won 2-1. Felt slightly better again after finding out the Kop lost to Blackpool 1-2 (and are now 17th in the EPL after 7 games). No disrespect, but if I were a Red, I'd be shitting bricks now. The Toon are more used to this treatment anyways.

Next up: Wigan Athletic at St. James' Park on 16th October 2010.


October Nuptials

The end of 2010 seems to ring to the tune of wedding bells. 

1. Leonard & Nicole's Wedding in August
2. Kiranjit's Wedding (in Seremban, which I missed, regretfully)
3. Ingo & YY's Wedding
4. Anna & K.C.'s registration on 10th October and Ceremony/Dinner on 26th & 27th October
5. Ruben & Yvonne's registration on 10th October and Dinner in January 2011
6. My Godsister, Cherylene's wedding dinner on 23rd October
7. Ben & Farina's registration on 20th October and Dinner on 24th October
8. Puan & Xiao Sun's Dinner on 18th December
9. Bee Teng's Dinner on 30th December
10. K.C's (AEON) registration is sometime towards the end of the year but Dinner is booked for March 2011

I'm grateful that Ruben has asked me to take some photo's for him. An absolute pleasure on my part!

What's New in the Life of Dom?

Sometime last year I decided that I needed writing therapy. And why not? Life was generally crappy, I was up to my neck in personal nonsense, I managed to drag myself away from a 3+ year relationship which didn’t work out, etc...

But somewhere in all that mess, I started writing stuff. First it was this Blog. Which of course was a bit of a joke since I didn’t really have any blogger connections and I’d probably be the only person reading this. After that it was more random stuff: articles, stories, reviews, anything at all. I sorta discovered myself in all that mess and realized that life has been good to me lately. No, I did not strike the lottery, but perhaps in many ways it has been... better than that?

Let’s see what’s new in my life recently. I can’t recall everything just this moment, but I’m sure it will come back to me soon enough:-

1) Salsa!

Where do I even begin on this one? You might know the story. Boy meets friend at Jazz Festival. Boy gets bored of crappy acts that night. Boy agrees to join friend at Salsa Havana on a Saturday night (what could possibly go wrong, eh?) for a bit of a look-see. Boy spend the next 3 hours watching people dance. Boy gets curious and drops by what he thinks is a dance studio above a regular mamak haunt. The rest, as they say, is history.

2) Holidays!

I’m actually going for holidays now. Which goes pretty much hand-in-hand with the next one...

3) Photography

This is a pretty big one for me. Almost as big as salsa, and perhaps may be bigger in the long term. It’s been crazy ever since I started taking pictures. I think I may have an eye for photos but I’ve researched enough to know that my particular style of photographs are not conventional. Love it or hate it, have a look first, won’t you?

4) Texas Hold ‘Em Poker

I was really, really crazy about poker at one time. I lived, breathed, ate, drank and shat poker. Then guess what happened? I started dancing. I intend to resume my poker career (for the 2^nd time?) pretty soon...

5) A Theory of Change?

The bullshit of stunts pulled by the Singer and Rhythm Guitarist of a band I was involved in (since the last post a year ago) meant that a musical dream died. Anyways, I always thought it was HIS band and not OURS. But what’s done is done. I’m happier without the childish nonsense.

One of my closest mates, Calvin ‘Fatty’ Symons actually told me about an excellent comment he made to Mals, his better half – I incorporate photography into everything I do, be it salsa, poker or whatever. I like that comment.

Anyways – for the record, I’m not in any emotional turmoil. I just realized I have not updated this blog in a looooonnngggg time. I’ve got some time in the office, so, there.